OMGSNAX!

i really needed to use up the broccoli i had from that curry recipe a couple weeks ago & the cream i never used to make whipped cream when i made that apple crisp, so here we are at one of my favorite dishes from when i was a kid.

INGREDIENTS
4 ounces dry fettucine pasta
1 cup heavy whipping cream
2 tablespoons butter
1 ounce tomato sauce
1/2 teaspoon minced garlic
1/2 cup broccoli florets
1/4 cup fresh sliced mushrooms
salt to taste
ground black pepper to taste
2 tablespoons grated parmesan cheese

METHOD
cook fettuccini in a large pot of boiling salted water until “almost” done. drain, & return noodles to pot.

stir cream, butter or margarine, tomato sauce, garlic, & broccoli into the noodles. simmer until noodles are done. stir in sliced mushrooms, & remove from heat. sprinkle with parmesan cheese, & season with salt & pepper to taste.

DEVIATIONS & OBSERVATIONS
fettucine? no no no. maybe it’s just that i have a soft spot in my heart for rich & charlie’s terribly overcooked pasta con broccoli, but i just never visualize this dish with a long pasta — r & c uses shells, my favorite shape is definitely wagon wheels, & on this particular night, i ended up using penne b/c that was the box i had in the cabinet.

i schlepped all my stuff over to daniel’s house for a reason that sounded good at the time, & while he cursed at the speaker stands he built this afternoon, i boiled the water, chopped the broccoli, & threw everything together. so fast, so easy. mushrooms are a big no-no in my book (even though my distaste for them is purely psychological), so that variation had to go, & i used half a box of penne (which was 8 oz, not 4 oz), but it all came out JUST RIGHT.

this is what i mean by “easy”

before the ingredients become a meal

i think this is probably daniel’s favorite recipe to date — or, at least, he was incredibly enthusiastic about it, which i can’t say about every dish i’ve made thus far.

the finished product

 

 

“Pasta Con Broccoli” from allrecipes.com.

so a few nights ago, daniel & i wandered up to the grocery store — mostly so i could get apples for friday night’s crisp, but also b/c the cupboard? she was bare. i have no recollection of what i had for dinner that night, but i do remember that we picked up some frozen vegetable egg rolls for him, & i stuck them in the toaster oven & yet, at the end of twenty minutes, they were still totally sogged out. which ew. also, he thought they tasted, & i quote, “gross.”

so i got this idea into my head that i wanted to make egg rolls. i googled recipes, i searched on allrecipes.com & epicurious.com, i tried to come up with SOMETHING that didn’t require ground pork, or at least suggested a reasonable substitution (b/c, let’s face it, tofu won’t do & i just wasn’t sure how to make up for the lost volume), i even looked through my cookbooks (although Moosewood’s on thin ice, i can tell you that).

well, foodnetwork.com + our good pal emeril came to the rescue! even though he’s hardly veg-friendly — & sometimes i get the feeling that he’d bathe in rendered pork fat if he could do it without being totally offensive — he somehow at some point in his storied TV career has made vegetarian egg rolls. this particular recipe was rated a “medium” on the skill level scale, but i was undaunted due to previous frying experience, & since it required minimal messing around with vegetables & only 15 minutes of preparation time (when will i learn??), i got all excited & drove straight to the grocery store after work to get everything on the ingredients list so i could fry up some egg rolls while daniel sat in his audio aesthetics class.

INGREDIENTS
2 tablespoons sesame oil
2 tablespoon canola oil
1/2 head green cabbage, shredded
1 cup julienne carrots
1 cup julienne snow peas
1 tablespoon corn starch
1/4 cup soy sauce
8 egg roll wrappers
peanut oil (for deep frying)
1/4 cup dry mustard
1/4 cup water
cilantro leaves, garnish

METHOD
in a skillet over medium-high heat, heat the sesame & canola oil. sauté cabbage for 2 minutes. add carrots & snow peas. cook an additional 1 minute. whisk together cornstarch & soy sauce until smooth. stir into vegetable mixture. cook until sauce comes to a boil & is slightly thickened, about 2 minutes. remove from heat & cool.

lay the egg roll skins on a flat surface & lightly brush edges with water. place 1/8 of the filling at one end of each skin, leaving a 1/4-inch border at the top & sides. roll wrapper over filling, tucking in the ends after the first roll.

heat 3-inches of peanut oil in a large, deep saucepan. when the oil is hot, about 350 degrees F, fry the egg rolls until golden brown, about 2 to 3 minutes. remove from the fryer & drain on paper towels. season with essence.

to serve, slice each egg roll in half, diagonally & place on each serving plate. combine dry mustard with water. drizzle each egg roll with the hot mustard. garnish with cilantro leaves.

DEVIATIONS & OBSERVATIONS
maybe it’s just the two emeril recipes in a row, but seriously, what universe does this guy live in where julienning carrots & snow peas & shredding cabbage = 15 minutes of prep time? & also, is there a good trick to julienning things quickly? maybe i should investigate that. or, you know, maybe emeril demonstrated that on one of his shows, but sadly, as delicious as the man’s recipes are, i can’t bear to watch him & his incessant lizard-like lip-licking, like, ENOUGH ALREADY.

vegetables can be emo, too

that being said, i did the best i could with what i have & it seemed fine. no problems as far as sautéeing the vegetables or getting the sauce mixed up (apparently a whisk has appeared in my drawer of utensils & i have no recollection of buying it or receiving it as a gift from my mom (although the later is more likely true)).

the sauce, as it were

egg roll filling before & after

now, given the well-documented fact that i can barely put together a bean & cheese burrito that stays rolled, you’d think i’d have massive problems trying to deal with something that has to be sealed up well enough to fry, right?

THINK AGAIN, b/c i am an AWESOME egg roll roller. it helps that i’ve made crab rangoon with my aunt & cousin several times over the years (a few of which, yes, exploded in the oil, but that’s neither here nor there), but also, can you just give me a little credit? PLEASE? b/c i am NOT as inept as you may have been led to believe by some of the earlier recipes on this site (gnocchi, i’m looking in your direction) — although, admittedly, they caused me to question my own abilities & say, on more than one occasion, “i guess i’m just not that good of a cook. huh.” but given my successes in recent days, i think it’s fair to blame the recipes! & not me! for i am the awesomest cook who ever awesomed! &, ok, i require detailed instructions, yes, & possibly visual aids, but i am not sucky!

making a vegetable envelope

don’t they look authentic?

so i got the egg rolls packaged up all in a row & set about frying them, which included a wrongheaded foray into the land of Maybe I’ll Fry Them In This Stockpot Since The Skillet’s Not Deep Enough before i realized, duh, i have a wok. i really wish i’d remembered that before i dumped all the oil into the stockpot, b/c another dish to wash isn’t really on my list of things i can’t wait to do, & ps, i ALSO wish i’d thought to clean the kitchen AFTER deep-frying instead of giving it a good thorough scrubbing the day before, like, what was i thinking???!

& so this brings us to a word about frying:
i’m really good at it. seriously. it’s something i wish i could put on my CV, but sadly, deep frying isn’t a skill set that’s sought after in the heady world of Research Assistantships. their loss.

i honed my frying talents through years of latke-making with my grandma, working my way through the ranks from Latke Taster to Latke Patter (SOMEONE has do damage control on the grease situation) to, now, Latke Co-Fryer. & over the years, i learned that the two keys to successful frying are: 01. to wait for the oil to get REALLY HOT & 02. to have enough oil.

& let me tell you: 3 inches of oil? is both just right &, like, a CRAZY amount of oil. like a whole bottle’s worth, & i am NOT fooling around. so it’s kind of disgusting & kind of wasteful & yet kind of FREAKING DELICIOUS.

blurry eggroll in all its greasified glory

here’s the other thing, is that i totally, if i’m going to do this (or any other kind of deep frying) again, require one of those wire spoon/shallow basket thingies, b/c the old plastic slotted spoon wasn’t quite what i had in mind, although it worked all right in a pinch. except for the part where it left huge puddles of oil on the countertop &, before i realized it was a terrible idea, on the stove. (b/c i have a habit of resting utensils on the middle of the stove between the burners.) terrible idea b/c, hello, GREASE FIRE. although, ironically, the only fire happened when i tried ever so carefully to wipe up the peanut oil puddle with a paper towel, which promptly caught fire. finally, my first kitchen fire! hello, non-working smoke detector!

so after totally screwing up the first egg roll by being impatient — what did i JUST SAY about waiting for the oil to get hot enough?? — i fried the rest of them BEAUTIFULLY & was feeling quite smug & sure of myself as daniel & i sat down to eat. i totally deep-sixed the mustard b/c daniel prefers duck sauce*, & also, did i mention that i did NOT season the vegetables with “Essence”?** b/c no.

egg rolls!

anyway.
THEY. WERE. GOOD.

i’d futz around with the sauce on the vegetables some (too soy-saucey, probably needs garlic &/or ginger), but daniel thought they were perfect & i thought they were pretty damn good, too. now if only i didn’t have to walk around smelling like i fell into a vat of french fry grease …

 

* not actually made of ducks
** which, btw, i am convinced is pure MSG

 

 

“Vegetarian Egg Rolls” from Emeril Live, 2003.

my boyfriend is irish. today is st patrick’s day. enough said.

INGREDIENTS
1 stick cold unsalted butter, cut into pieces
2 pounds rome beauty or winesap apples, peeled, cored, & sliced
2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
1 cup packed light brown sugar
1 cup all-purpose flour
2 tablespoons irish whiskey
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon cardamom
pinch salt
1/4 cup irish oatmeal
1/4 cup toasted, chopped walnut pieces
1/4 cup chopped fresh basil
irish whiskey cream (recipe follows)

METHOD
preheat the oven to 375 degrees F. lightly butter an 11 by 7-inch baking pan & set aside.

in a large skillet, melt 3 tablespoons of butter over medium-high heat. add the apples, lemon juice, 1/2-cup of the brown sugar, & 1 tablespoon of the flour. stir well, & cook 5 minutes. add the whiskey, cinnamon, cardamom, & salt, stir well, & cook for 1 minute. remove from the heat.

in a large bowl combine the remaining flour, oatmeal, & remaining 1/2-cup sugar. add the remaining 5 tablespoons of butter, & with your fingers or a pastry blender, work the mixture until it resembles coarse crumbs. add the walnuts & mix well.

place the apple mixture in the greased pan & sprinkle the crumb mixture evenly over the top. bake until golden brown & bubbly, about 35 to 40 minutes. serve hot with the irish whiskey cream:

1 cup heavy cream
1 tablespoon sugar
2 tablespoons irish whiskey

whip the cream until it begins to form soft peaks. add the sugar & whiskey & beat until stiff peaks form. cover & chill until needed.

DEVIATIONS & OBSERVATIONS
again with the baking pan size issue — well, 9×9 is approximately the same as 11×7, right? let’s hope so, b/c that’s all i’ve got that’s even close.

& deep breath, b/c for such an easy recipe, i made a shocking number of omissions, starting with: cardamom. b/c $12 a bottle = no. especially for a measly quarter of a teaspoon. i’m sure it adds something, but sing it with me: $12.

i used pink lady apples b/c they were the only appropriate baking apples i could find at dierberg’s last night around 9pm. totally ignored the merest hint of a suggestion of walnuts, as it’s been established previously that i apparently can’t stand them. & the irish whiskey? i don’t even know where to start. so i didn’t. i’m not too broken up about it b/c i generally can’t stand the taste of liquor in desserty things, but i just thought i should put it out there that i really screwed around with the recipe a fair amount.

so let me start by saying that there’s no way this so-called “20 minutes” of prep time could be accurate in any universe that involves peeling 2 pounds of apples unless it’s a magic universe where apples have skins like bananas. but here on earth, they don’t, & so 20 minutes of prep time is more like an hour when you factor in all the tedious peeling. which, fine. i’m just saying.

peeled apples + bag of skins

cooking the apples in the skillet was a minor challenge, what with my burners being horridly off-kilter & my skillet verging on too small, but i persevered & it worked out just fine. the brown sugar/butter combo totally turned into this syrupy bubbly awesome delicious mess & it smelled, as my grandma would say, heavenly. for serious.

uncooked apples

cooked apples

& apart from all the previously mentioned omissions, it’s pretty much your standard apple crisp.

the topping

is it wrong that i’m way more excited about making egg rolls next week than i am about the apple crisp that, let’s be honest, is still baking in my oven as i type these very words at 637pm on the 17th?

i totally planned to make the whipped cream b/c my friend joyce made her own whipped cream one time a few years ago & it was really, REALLY good — but i don’t feel like dirtying another dish, nor do i feel like figuring out this electric hand beater my mom gave me last weekend. i DID buy the cream, so i’ll do it pretty soon — but not tonight.

finished apple crisp

epilogue: SWEET.
daniel said: “not just sweet — it’s ‘dude! sweet!’”

almost TOO sweet, actually, which means my grandpa would love it.

 

 

“Apple-Oatmeal Crisp with Irish Whiskey Cream” from Emeril Live, 2001.